we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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