dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
