You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Your dad touched me again.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
