I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
