guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
