Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
