2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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