awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
