Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
