Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
