Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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