I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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