I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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