the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
