i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We left the knife in your bed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Congratulations! We have a period
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