dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
