You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
