Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
wow bdsm is so cute
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
