My Higher Power is John Stamos
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
