maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
