you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
