In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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