The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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