New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
