Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
