at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
