The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
