I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
