yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I supernannyed him into submission
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
