So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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