i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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