You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
