I wish I could teleport
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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