Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
