You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
