Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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