I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
