If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
