My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
