Have you finally orgasmed yet?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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