Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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