That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
