I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
