someone threw a dead crab at me
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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