Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
