Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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