i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
