If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
