u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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