So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
