it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
